..and just like that it was gone..

Well, Monday I decided to share with everyone that my husband and I were expecting a little one...   I guess that plan was not meant to be for us yet.  Yesterday, I found out I lost the baby.  We waited a little while to tell people but I guess when we finally did, we jinxed ourselves.

I wasn't going to share what happened because it is still such an open wound but I think writing it out will help me heal...so if you don't want to hear the details then you probably don't want to keep reading on...

Sunday night I started getting cramps....PMS type cramps.  I read on a couple websites that this could be a normal part of pregnancy and I also asked a few friends and they said it was probably normal.  The cramps continued on into Tuesday and I woke up with an bad feeling...I just knew something was wrong.  When I went to the bathroom there was a bit of blood.  Not a whole lot but it still scared me.  I read in my book (What to expect when you're expecting) that this could also be normal but it still freaked me out so I called my Dr.  She said it was normal and could be from a number of different things (implantation bleeding, blood trapped behind the placenta, a blood vessel bursting, etc.).  She told me to call her if it got worse.  Wednesday I woke up and it had gotten a bit worse..I won't go into detail but it was a little heavier.  I called my Dr again...the woman in the office assured me that it was normal but I could still come in if I wanted to.  I got to the Dr's office and I was assured again by my Dr that everything was probably fine.  She sent me for more bloodwork and scheduled an ultrasound for today (Thursday).  She told me since i was about 8 to 9 weeks I would probably be able to hear the baby's heartbeat when I went.  I got my blood taken that day and went home.

When I got home, I kept thinking about how when I first "felt" pregnant...I could smell EVERYTHING, I was tired a lot, and I was going to the bathroom a lot.....the only thing out of those 3 things I felt was tired, probably from crying.  Even though she kept assuring me that everything was fine I had a bad feeling....  I kept trying to focus on what my Dr had said, I could probably hear the heartbeat.  That would be all the reassurance I would need.

She called me later that day when the bloodwork went through...I had lost the baby.  I keep wondering if there was anything I could have done different....   I cut caffeine completely out of my diet, I was taking prenatals, I was eating a lot of fruits and veggies, I wasn't overly stressing about anything....   It just wasn't meant to be this time.

Some people I know think it's silly to be this upset when it was still so early but I can't help it.  I had dreams about our baby, I have been searching online for names, I have been searching online for nursery ideas..

In my dream I saw my baby (girl) .  I saw the eyes that were shaped like mine but the same color as her daddy's, her grinning at me as she laughed.  I will never forget that face...  She was already so loved and she wasn't even here yet.